The hearts hung in bags of their own blood roughly five centimetres apart. Like two forgotten socks in the rain, they had become mishapen and unrecognisable to anyone else. The couple had been told this was the first stage of the experiment and not to be too alarmed. It would have no bearing on the success or failure of the task at hand, the doctor had reassured them of this whilst racing through his notes, framing the last part of every sentence with a half smile.
Amy watched their last round of weary thumps as the monitor she was attached to began the second stage of the experiment. The formation of flashing lights and bleeps in any other circumstances would have boiled her blood. Now, she just couldn’t grasp a feeling of the situation. She wondered why the bruised sky sitting neatly inside the frame of her hospital window, no longer made her feel inspired, grateful to be alive, anything, something! She looked over at Mark’s face for a reaction of some kind.
‘Mark, Mark! Are you awake?’
‘Yes, I just have my eyes closed, I don’t want to look at what we’ve done.’
‘Do you still feel something Mark?’
‘Yes, something, I still love you Ames. The doctor did say that there was a fifty percent chance of retaining some feelings, reckon I’m in the fifty percent then, why? Do you feel anything?’
‘I don’t know, I feel kinda numb, like…well…I can’t liken it to anything actually, other than maybe when they told me that my son had died. I remember feeling nothing until I spoke to that therapist guy, do you remember? Everything happened at once, we had just reunited after Fifteen years apart, my mother died and your daughter got sick. I remember my frozen heart suddenly exploded and I bled tears solidly for two months. God those two months were filled with the deepest sorrow Mark. I remember that like it was yesterday, but I feel nothing now, can’t even shed a tear when I think back, that is unusual for me. I seem to have the memories but none of the heartache anymore, so this must be working, this is a good thing right?’
Mark had only suggested the new experiment after watching Amy’s mental health deteriorate significantly over the last year. She had begged him every day of that year to make the pain go away.
Ignoring her question, Mark opened his eyes and looked over at Amy, who had rolled over on her side to face the wall.
‘Well this it then Ames, they are going to turn off the machines soon, so you can still change your mind if you want to? The hearts are still fresh, doctor will be taking them away soon. Is this really what you want?’ Mark was starting to regret his decision. He had given himself over completely to be part of a void for six months not knowing what the outcome would be.
Amy poured her eyes into the wall beside her ’I’m so ready Mark, I knew I couldn’t live in this world as I was anymore. I couldn’t escape those feelings of desperation, I remember them being with me from the moment I opened my eyes until I went to sleep, there wasn’t even any relief in my dreams.
‘What if it doesn’t work and we can’t come back from this?’
‘We just have to trust the process Mark. Who said I wanted to come back from it anyway. I’m happier when I don’t feel, when I’m numb, I can just get on with life, too much time is wasted in grief. Why wouldn’t you avoid it if you could? Many animals live well without grief, the trees still look full of life as they help us breathe though our difficult existence, they hold no emotional pain, they just are, and that’s how I want to be, free!’
The doctor returned quietly to the room and began to remove the two bagged hearts.
‘Well Mark I think you have made a great decision what a creative Valentine’s present, one of the better ones I’ve seen to be honest.’ As he placed the couples’ hearts carefully into a box of ice, Amy and Mark glanced over at one another for some kind of reaction but at once became distracted by the faint humming of an unfamiliar tune as the doctor quickly exited the room.